Embracing The Sticky Mess
I hit a wall last year–a wall I have found myself hitting for some time now. I convinced myself the outside world was the problem; my house, a new baby, my husband, our schedule or time, homeschooling, and parenting. If I could fix them, I could avoid the feelings of exhaustion, overwhelm and defeat. It was the outside that was the problem.
I wrestled and wrangled with the outside to right my insides—it turns out I had forgotten once again to give myself grace. Angela Davis is right, “We must transform ourselves to transform the world.”
There was no flashing lightning or grand aha moment. I wasn’t smacked over the head; I just slowly and intentionally started choosing each day to turn inward. I began listening to how my body actually felt. When I was tired during the day, I paused and poured myself a cup of tea. When I noticed myself losing patience or feeling overwhelmed by the noise, I stopped, closed my eyes, and took a few deep breaths. I saw how I was neglecting to nourish myself and began sitting down for breakfast in the morning and drinking water throughout the day. I noticed how numb I felt after spending scrolling on social media and reading the noise, and I deleted the apps off my phone. I started setting realistic goals and expectations for myself based on my capacity. And I started writing.
The daily practice of writing became my refuge and my solace. It was a place where I could release my inner thoughts. It became my time to sit with Morgan. The daily practice has become my space to clear my head, to create, to ponder, to reflect, to give gratitude and to give myself grace. At the end of the day, my journal has become my trusted dear friend. And it has taught me to love myself from the inside.
The tender inner places of my heart and mind could be the fertile soil for healing my past, growing my inner strength, and blooming into a greater version of myself. I came to genuinely desire peace and ease from within, not peace due to my outside environment. I slowly let go of the control and let my heart begin to name what I truly felt and desired. I began seeking that peace, ease, and joy in each moment-more present, more aware.
This awareness flooded into my outside world. I put away the self-help books and focused on my passions, let lists go, and watched butterflies dance among the bright pink thistle blossoms; I heard the yellow finches sing to me and the buzzing of the bees from the fragrant flowers of the lilac bushes. I gathered big green bunches of dandelions. I poured over old recipes and stood over a hot stove canning the summer bounty.
I let go of plans and let our space become a place for wonder and creativity. Cardboard boxes, paint, and sticky white glue were no longer a burden but a small window into the childhood I wanted to foster for my children but had forgotten how to kindle.
As I watched my 11-year-old stuffed into her cardboard box “exploratory pod” created with that very glue, cardboard, and bright puffy pom-poms, my heart softened once more.
I was embracing the literal sticky, messy vulnerable spaces and seeing them as the richest soil for my most significant healing, growth, and blooming. I saw that I could no longer create an outside world to fit my desires. I recognized that the only way I could really find that joy and peace was to bravely lean into the sticky, messy places of my interior, resist the desire to control the outside, and embrace myself right where I am.